Yeah- this is me. It took a shit ton load of guts to even take a photo of myself and post it up here- though I felt a little comfort when I saw all the pretty people who did share themselves to us, to me. So cheers folks.
My name is Soo and there has never been one consistent period in my short life where I have loved my body. Or even liked it. Maybe on the occasion I look at it and think “it could be worse” or “oh- ok” but never happy.
Being the only Indian (as in country) at school made me an easy target for a lot of judgment. Being brown, curly black haired, dark eyed and chubbier than the rest- yeah I think we’ve all been that odd one out. In school plays I was always, ALWAYS listed to play the “evil witch”. Never the pretty princess. Not even a friend of the pretty princess. And the pretty princess was always ALWAYS the cute blond/ brown haired girl. Within the Indian community, albeit any “desi” community, it’s a similar story. Your skin is TOO brown, your hair isn’t straight enough/ too curly, your eyes aren’t light enough and bla bla bla. From both communities it was like as if I HAD TO HATE MY BODY.
From the 6 year old who hated her brown skin, that hatred changed to one for my whole body. I never ended up having those loooong pretty legs that bollywood/ hollywood movies and magazines go gaga over, or that little waist, the slender arms and all. I didn’t grow into some elegant beauty they always sing about. I fit into DD bras, my ass is huge, my thighs are chubby, average length legs, my back has fat on it- I mean I won’t say I am fat as what a doctor would prescribe (slightly over weight as the BMI bullshit thing says), but when ever I see myself, I see things hanging off me, I see nothing attractive in my “curves”. I don’t have that “doe eyed beauty” ( big eyes, delicate nose, delicate lips and small face)- heck I just feel that where ever I go, I take up too much space. I seriously feel like as if I am this blob who consumes sooo much space. Funny thing is that I do find fat, skinny, medium, tall, short, medium, wide, thin, curvy, flat etc. people to be beautiful and hot and I want everything to do with them. I just cannot apply this to myself. But I’m getting there.
Sad thing is, it doesn’t stop there. Shit no it doesn’t. I was picking up bulimic tendencies for a while- eating and skipping meals, puking up, over exerting myself- no fun. Fun fact, what ever you lose, you end up gaining AND even more. And you get sick. And you may end up dehydrating yourself so much that you require surgery. And it brings on a whole new cocktail of mental trauma and what not. As for the skin? I say this for people within the Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Sri-Lankan, DESI OR ANY ETHNIC COMMUNITY that Fair and Lovely (and other popular skin bleaching creams) do not work. You stay the fuck a way from that shit. It won’t make you fairer but you sure as hell will feel your skin burn for a while AND IT IS NOT WORTH IT (and because I was 14 and stupid and too scared to put up with my arms feeling tingly from this weird ass cream I WASHED IT ALL OFF AND NEVER TOUCHED IT AGAIN).
In my darker moments, all I wanted to do was kill myself. Luckily I did not have the will power for that so here I am. At 20 years of age-I won’t say I’m at that stage where I love the way I look, it’s gonna be a one long battle, but I am in a better place. And I am fighting to be in an even better place. It’s taken the right people, the boycotting of shitty “women’s” magazines and a lot of love to get me to this point. Key word: LOVE
I am not here to promise you that doing all this will help you find that perfect person be it dude, lady and any other fantastic flavour of person. I’m not promising that the bullies will stop instantly or that bullshit gossip magazines will run outta print. I can’t promise those things.
But what I can promise it this: The moment you allow yourself to LOVE yourself (not today, not tomorrow, but over time) life becomes a lot more easier to live. You can find the people worth loving and who you know will love you right back. You can allow yourself to have those amazing influences in your life. You should allow yourself. You deserve this. Don’t ever let anyone make you think other wise. People who equate the size of you (be you skinny or big) to being attractive aren’t worth your time. They don’t deserve you. People who compare the colour of your skin to how pretty you are don’t deserve you either. People who judge you on any of these things and more ( like sexuality, gender, age, religion and so on) aren’t deserving of you.